Swimming...

When I was a child, I loved the water. As a baby, I enjoyed my bath and splashing the water all over the kitchen. As a young girl, I remember "swimming" in the bathtub. Pretending I was an otter and flooding the whole bathroom as I swam back and forth in the tub. I loved to swim. Diving and twisting and turning. Holding my breath. I grew up close enough to the Mississippi river that, even in grade school, My brothers or friends and I would sneak down to the River and play for hours. I can remember jumping off the docks on houseboats, into inner-tubes and paddling to shore. I think I learned to swim when my older brother, Russ, grabbed my inner-tube and I had to get to shore on my own! That was scary, but I made it!

My astrological sign is Pisces (the fish). It seemed appropriate when I was younger. As a young adult, I lived for the beach. Baking my slender young body in the sun's rays and frolicking in the river. I learned to water ski the summer of my senior year in High School. Several of the kids in my class had the use of their family boats and a group of us practically lived on the River.

Even after I got married and had children, I loved the River. My husband and I bought a boat and my children grew up playing on sandbars and splashing in the mighty Mississippi. I loved to jump out of the boat in the middle of the river and swim in water where I had no idea where the bottom was. I was ageless. The River was timeless. I felt like I was suspended in time when I swam under water. That was always my favorite. Stroking and slicing my way through the murky darkness. I was a fish. An otter. A seal. Suspended animation.

As I grew older, I found myself swimming less. The water was too cold. Or I didn't want to put my ever expanding body into a swim-suit. It was too hot on the sandbars and sunburn is bad for one's skin. Riding in a boat is so bumpy and loud. Climbing in and out is awkward. I still like sitting on the beach. At least I think I do. I haven't gone for years. A cruise might be nice. If I didn't have to wear a swim-suit. At least I think I would enjoy a cruise. It's not likely to happen anyway. I'm getting older. I'm embarrassed by my body. And by my droopy eye. I'm no longer attractive. I think that was part of the fun of swimming. The image I had of myself ~ in my mind's eye. That image is no longer one that I enjoy. So I chose not to look.

I don't really miss swimming. It seams more like work than fun now. Too much effort to stay afloat. I'm more comfortable being alone. Playing with fiber and enjoying my animals. I rarely want to leave my home. Swimming seems to have lost it's appeal. Although, slipping silently into the dark murkiness still holds some allure...

To my children: Please do not freak out that I wrote this! I am NOT suicidal. Or even slipping into a deep depression. It's just something that's been swirling around in my thoughts lately and I wanted to write it down. I actually think it's kind of a neat analogy.

I'm OK.! Please don't get all worried and scared so that I can't feel comfortable writing my thoughts on here....

I love you!

Mom