First of all, I apologize for not 'getting in touch' sooner. Don was home until yesterday and I just didn't feel comfortable posting (nor sure of what to say, until he'd left. Truth be told, I'm still not exactly sure what's going on. For the most part, he acted as if nothing had happened. I kept trying to talk about the letter and "what he wanted" but he kept changing the subject or simply saying that he was "too tired to talk about it now". The best I can determine from the weekend is that Don is tired of working so hard and not having 'anything' to show for it. He figured that if he sold our place, he'd have enough to buy himself a little place up North and could get by on less, living by himself.
Now, that is over simplifying his case, but I really don't want to go into too much personal detail here. Suffice it to say that our marriage is NOT based on love. It was, however, predicated on the promise that if we got married, it would be for good and divorce was not an option. We agreed that "even if we hated each other" we would stay together and make it work. Divorce was simply not to be considered an option. (can you tell I was looking for security???) I was "looking for a home" and Don was looking for someone to take care of his home and make his life more pleasant. We've both been married before and neither of us wanted to go through another divorce or be alone. (I know)
That was a little over seven years ago. I've certainly discovered that living in a loveless marriage is not necessarily better than being alone ~ however, I love my home and my animals and my lifestyle and will fight to keep it. I do try to be a good wife. I even try to act as if we care about each other. I try to support and encourage my husband even though he would much rather criticize or ignore me. Up until recently, our arrangement has worked to a point. I can't say that I'm happy being married to a man who doesn't love me. And I'm sure Don is equally aware that I do not love him. I would have. I truly thought that, once we were married, Don would fall in love with me. I really did try to be a sweet, loving, doting wife. He wanted none of it. There is definitely part of me that is angry with him for not loving me. I learned, pretty quickly, to put up a wall around myself so that he couldn't hurt me. So, we have shared a home and both enjoy the sheep. We usually get along, as long as I don't let his constant criticism get to me.
To the best of my knowledge, Don has not actually taken any steps to dissolve our marriage. I am, for the time being, going on the assumption that nothing is going to change (other than I will try to save $200 a month toward purchasing a new vehicle when my car dies). If I can pick up a little more of the financial burden, I think Don will leave things as they are. It is surely not in his best interest to sell our home! It will be paid off in 5 years and we count on that for our 'retirement'.
This is certainly not what I consider an ideal arrangement. I would never have believed that I would be willing to live like this. But, I'm getting older and I've made the choice that my home and lifestyle are worth sacrificing for. I'm willing to pay the price.
I really didn't mean to go into so much personal detail. However, I do feel an obligation to try to explain the situation to you because you have been so wonderful with your support. I was amazed by how much comfort I took in all the comments and e-mails I received, offering me hope and support through this frightening time. Please don't judge me too harshly for accepting a life-style that is not based on love and respect. Remember Maslow's pyramid: home & security are a more basic need than fulfillment and enlightenment. I certainly hope for a much better life for my children but this one works for me if I can just hang on....
* my intention is that this will be my last post concerning my marriage. This blog is supposed to be about things I love and enjoy ~ my sheep, my kids, my friends, knitting etc. I'd much rather write (and think!) about happy things, than dwell on the negative) Thank you all for your support and prayers. I believe that God has answered my prayers and that I will get to stay in my home... for now.
Despite everything we read in fairy tales, sometimes life just doesn't go as we have planned/hoped/dreamed.
ReplyDeleteSending you good thoughts that things be as good as they can be!
-- Vicki in MIchigan
None of us have the marriages we somehow dream up and most of us seem to change our goals. But for you, your home and your animals are the most vital and must be maintained as the constant in your life. Dream is helping so much, along with the others. Animals are so good in helping us. We have the circle of responsibility -- we for them and them for us and we for them.....
ReplyDeleteNancy, I so respect and commend you for your commitment and clarity of vision. So many today "drop and run" at the first frustration or disappointment. I'm in it for the long haul, too, regardless. Viva commitment!
ReplyDeleteNancy-
ReplyDeleteContrary to what you seem to worry, I would not judge you harshly for the path you have chosen in life; actually, what you have told us of it, I admire you. I think a woman who knows her destiny and what she wants out of life, and sets about securing it is great. My previous comments still stand - because I was simply saying, "Don't sell yourself short, or allow others to do so." Don't be afraid to consult with a lawyer, if that is what you have to do to secure what is yours. You obviously have a good "business head" on your shoulders, if you can quickly assess the need to put away money, but can also see the opportunity in marketing your calendars, shirts, etc. Maslow actually postulates that we can PRIORITIZE our needs according to the categories he describes. So while security and survival needs may be the "front burner" item, we must still work to achieve esteem, love, knowledge, beauty, and self-actualization. It's simply a matter of how much effort we can assign to each. (Hence the sheep, knitting, spinning, friends, MSSBO, children, job etc. in your life.) (Oh yeah, and kitties, too.)
All offers of support and help still stand...and I hope we get to meet someday face-to-face. Which, of course, will most likely involve sheep, so be sure to keep breeding in your plans...in fact, we'd love to hear about your plans for next year's "crop"...
You are awesome Nancy! I've been thinking of you constantly. Thanks so much for sharing with us. That took a lot of strength. Your home, security, and lifestyle are definitely top priority and I applaude you for your willingness to fight for them. Marrying for Love is an IDEAL, not a necessity. Women (and men) have married for security and lifestyle (and a million other reasons) since the beginning of time. You are not alone. You've made an awesome life for yourself and you should be proud.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Melanie, I can't wait to hear about your breeding plans for this season! Who are you breeding Dream to?
I echo Melanie's comments, you sound like you have your head screwed on. 'Chin Up' as they say here in Ole Blighty. Post whatever you want, whenever you want - will look in each day and keep you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou can tell by all the comments that you are very respected by your friends. You know who you are and what your goals are, even though the time right now is a bit rough for you. I'm sure we all agree that we are/were concerned for your physical well-being as well as the mental anguish you were experiencing. Only you know where your heart and goals lie and please don't think that any of us, your friends, would criticize you for life choices you make...we're here to support you. And you call 'em as you see 'em, Nancy. We all just want the best for the people in our lives.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope that things do work out just the way you want them to.