Warning:: This is not a sheep or chicken related or Beautiful Baby Girl or happy Grandchildren related post. It's one of those yucky, personal, feelings related posts. So, if you don't want to get involved in personal, emotional kind of stuff, please skip my blog today. Becky's got a really cool post about how she rescued a little HUMMINGBIRD ~ check that one out! I'll be back soon with happier subjects.
My thoughts on living with chronic, clinical depression.
It's never far away.
I'm fine right now. Life is good. I love my life SO very much.
But.
There is always a shadow hanging over me. I can sense the depression ~ just waiting to pounce. Scary.
I upped my medication. That's twice in the past month. If this feeling persists, I will go back in and see my doctor. It's too early in the season to be dealing with this!!
I've started another blog ~ this one I'm keeping private. It's just for me. I'll log my daily feelings on there and try to track the progress of my emotional state. Yesterday, I likened the feeling that I have to my world being this bright, sunny, cheerful place but depression is just on the other side of the door. I'm fine right now. Depression isn't trying to break down the door. It's not even knocking at the door. But it's there.
I want it to go away.
I don't know if it's better for me to talk about it. Or even to think about it ~ or to try to keep my mind occupied with positive thoughts. I do know that feeling the need to "not think about things" is usually a sign of the depression returning. But I don't want to DWELL on it! I don't want to give it power over my daily life. Yet, the fact is, it's the first thing that I think about when i wake up in the morning. I guess it's already got power.
I guess the very fact that I've upped my medication, started another (private) blog and am writing this today should tell me that it's already got power. Shit
I am not asking for sympathy. Nor pity. In fact, knowing that people will want to offer sympathy makes me not want to share my feelings. People worrying about me feels like a burden ~ not support. Does that sound selfish? I don't mean to be selfish. But it IS the way that it feels.
OK ~ so the fact is, I may be ending my "remission" and entering another period of clinical depression. If I am, I'll deal with it. If I feel the need to share ~ I'll share. If I don't, I won't. I know my family loves me. I know I have many, wonderful friends. I know I'm not alone. I've been through this before. I can do it again...
Wishing you all a "Happy Day"
Love,
Nancy
P.S. Boy! I hope I don't end up wishing I hadn't posted this!
;-)
OK. So, I finished up the dishes and was thinking: what would be an appropriate response to this post? I've stated that I don't want sympathy. What DO I want???
ReplyDeleteI want to know that I've been heard. I think that's all. So, if you heard me and want to help me, I think all that you need to do is say: "I hear you"
Thanks
I saw your comment on Becky's blog before you even posted this, so was prepared. I think tracking your feelings on another blog (it's just an online journal; I'm a great fan of journaling!) is a good idea. When we are in the midst of it, it feels never-ending, but I would think being able track it in a journal could remind you that it does come -- and more importantly -- GO. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI hear you Nancy and am willing to "listen" anytime.
ReplyDeleteI hear you!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need some "sister bonding time" at Jefferson :).
hugs!
I also hear you and am willing to lend a ear anytime you need one.
ReplyDeleteI hear you and I've been there...am there actually. I have been diagnosed with Major, Dysthymia and SADD, I stopped going after that, though we'd talked about my ADD and were going to talk about other issues that I have. I realize that this was back in highschool, but the feelings have never left. I should actually be on medication full time, but the prozac made me feel icky, and while the zyrtec helped a bit, it wasn't what I needed. I've been thinking about trying the one they advertise now that helps with the pain as well, though I'm not sure if that's my depression or if it's the Lyme's Disease...and it could be that the Lymes is contributing to the depression, I'm not sure. Hopefully goign to get an expert opinion about the Lymes soon. But hang in there! Just keep reminding yourself that there are always good days :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you and I understand.
ReplyDeleteI never heard anyone else say "People worrying about me feels like a burden ". thank you so much. bonnye in west sacramento
ReplyDeleteI hear you Nancy. You are such a gifted communicator, when you are ready, I think sharing your experience (through words and your incredible photos) can help others to understand. That's what art is about -- experiencing the human condition and sharing it with others.
ReplyDeleteP.S. And thanks for plugging my hummingbird post. I think that little bird was an inspiration! It was so strange how she suddenly disappeared. :-)
I am here for you anytime you want to post or talk. Discussing what's going on is healthy as well as finding the best "fit" for how to do it (pictures, blogs, chats, whatever). What you are dealing with is a medical condition of a finely tuned instrument (your brain) and any number of things can upset the balance. It (the depression) has no power over you since you are aware of it and have lots of weapons to fight it with. Even superheroes take breaks sometimes to give the suit and cape a wash...so don't get worried if it seems heavier than usual. You will bounce back.
ReplyDeleteI hear you and I understand too.....
ReplyDeleteI hear you Mom. And I love you. I very much respect your desire to have a private blog for posting/journaling without having to think about how others may perceive what you're writing. Maybe some day your journaling will make a good book that will be able to help others with this same struggle. All my love and respect. Your Princess.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. (and love you)
ReplyDeleteI hear you....
ReplyDeleteI'm chiming in to say, "I hear you, Nancy."
ReplyDeleteDiane L./Bloomington,IN.
I hear you too. Is sending a (hug) acceptable? :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you...stay strong and ask for support when you want it or feel you need it. You're a wonderful person and I'm sure many are willing and waiting to support you.
ReplyDeleteI hear you also, Nancy. I too have been there. The changing hormones when you get to those lovely 50's are strange critters. Thyroid meds have helped me tremendously. Research it and see if it fits. J in MS
ReplyDeleteOh, I definitely hear you. I do understand - I, too, am on medication. I feel like I was stagnated in ATL, so I'm looking forward to a new beginning to help me. You can't move away, but do know that so many of us understand and wish you the very best.
ReplyDeleteI heard this, Nancy. I'm going to email you separately. I think that someday, you will feel "it" lurking on the other side of the door, and think, "oh THAT old thing".
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Gail
same here Nancy....depression is something that I try to beat back into the corner every day. And just so you know....your blog is the first thing I turn to every day. Yes....YOU are a big part of the reason I can keep on going. Love, Me
ReplyDeleteoh Nancy sounds likes Jefferson couldn't come at a better time! I can't wait! Briony and I will be there with bells on! It will be a HOOT!
ReplyDeleteSee you soon!!
wait that was GARRETT posting from Stephen's computer!! :P
ReplyDeleteSo Garrett and Briony are coming to Jefferson. not stephen!
Nancy, my Pastor's sermon last night was about the devil getting a toe hold in the battle field for our minds, trying to build a stronghold. Everyone has a weakness. The devil will find it and exploit it.
ReplyDeleteDepression is trespassing on God's property (you). Cast it out in Jesus' name! I kinow you are a woman of faith.
I hear you, & I love you! :)
I hear you.
ReplyDeleteI, too, wonder about how to weigh the pros and cons of "not thinking about it" vs "giving it more power by talking about it."
I, too, have felt that the concern felt by others can be a burden........
Oh Nancy, I can't belive that I was not on-line earlier. I hear you and I understand.I battle with my own deamons. You'll always have a friendly ear and a hug on this side of the pond xx
ReplyDeleteI hear you Nancy all the way from Northern Alberta. My husband and his mom both deal with depression, so I understand!! I think you are a marvelous communicator, so communicate wherever you need to!!
ReplyDeleteSorry it took so long for me to get to this, dearest girl... going through something in the same line, myself, so I'm only reading my favorite blogs, and those only once a week or two.
ReplyDeleteBut you are a favorite, and I just wanted to say: it may be lurking around in there, and sometimes it may have us by the throat, but it isn't who we are.
We are strong women, and loved women, women with talent and lots to give to the world.
You give me hope and joy and strength with this blog of yours. Know that you are a blessing in the world, whether you feel it on any particular day or not. We are here, because you are you.
(((((hugs))))