First of all, I apologize for not 'getting in touch' sooner. Don was home until yesterday and I just didn't feel comfortable posting (nor sure of
what to say, until he'd left. Truth be told, I'm still not exactly sure what's going on. For the most part, he acted as if nothing had happened. I kept trying to talk about the letter and "what he wanted" but he kept changing the subject or simply saying that he was "too tired to talk about it now". The best I can determine from the weekend is that Don is tired of working so hard and not having 'anything' to show for it. He figured that if he sold our place, he'd have enough to buy himself a little place up North and could get by on less, living by himself.
Now, that is over simplifying his case, but I really don't want to go into too much personal detail here. Suffice it to say that our marriage is NOT based on love. It was, however, predicated on the promise that if we got married, it would be for good and divorce was
not an option. We agreed that "even if we hated each other" we would stay together and make it work. Divorce was simply not to be considered an option. (can you tell I was looking for security???) I was "looking for a home" and Don was looking for someone to take care of his home and make his life more pleasant. We've both been married before and neither of us wanted to go through another divorce or be alone. (I know)
That was a little over seven years ago. I've certainly discovered that living in a loveless marriage is not necessarily better than being alone ~ however, I love my home and my animals and my lifestyle and will fight to keep it. I do try to be a good wife. I even try to act as if we care about each other. I try to support and encourage my husband even though he would much rather criticize or ignore me. Up until recently, our arrangement has worked to a point. I can't say that I'm happy being married to a man who doesn't love me. And I'm sure Don is equally aware that I do not love him. I
would have. I truly thought that, once we were married, Don would fall in love with me. I really did try to be a sweet, loving, doting wife. He wanted none of it. There is definitely part of me that is angry with him for not loving me. I learned, pretty quickly, to put up a wall around myself so that he couldn't hurt me. So, we have shared a home and both enjoy the sheep. We usually get along, as long as I don't let his constant criticism get to me.
To the best of my knowledge, Don has
not actually taken any steps to dissolve our marriage. I am, for the time being, going on the assumption that nothing is going to change (other than I will try to save $200 a month toward purchasing a new vehicle when my car dies). If I can pick up a little more of the financial burden, I think Don will leave things as they are. It is surely not in his best interest to sell our home! It will be paid off in 5 years and we count on that for our 'retirement'.
This is certainly not what I consider an ideal arrangement. I would never have believed that I would be willing to live like this. But, I'm getting older and I've made the choice that my home and lifestyle are worth sacrificing for. I'm willing to pay the price.
I really didn't mean to go into so much personal detail. However, I do feel an obligation to try to explain the situation to you because you have been so wonderful with your support. I was amazed by how much comfort I took in all the comments and e-mails I received, offering me hope and support through this frightening time. Please don't judge me too harshly for accepting a life-style that is not based on love and respect. Remember Maslow's pyramid: home & security are a more basic need than fulfillment and enlightenment. I certainly hope for a much better life for my children but this one works for me if I can just hang on....
* my intention is that this will be my last post concerning my marriage. This blog is supposed to be about things I love and enjoy ~ my sheep, my kids, my friends, knitting etc. I'd much rather write (and
think!) about happy things, than dwell on the negative) Thank you all for your support and prayers. I believe that God has answered my prayers and that I will get to stay in my home... for now.
