2007 and 2008

Because I want to save one post for other things...

2007and 2008 were a time for endings and new beginnings...

A heavy snowstorm caused the roof of the old, abandonded (except by the rams!) barn to collapse.  The barn wasn't much, but it did provide shelter for the rams.  Plus, I LIKE old, abandoned barns!

I said a final farewell to my marriage AND to the old barn...

To make way for my new life and NEW BARN!

and my ANGORA GOATS!

Of course, it was my neighbor, Julie Chapman's, fault that I got the goats.

AND the chickens!

For the first and only time in all the years that I've raised Shetlands, I lost a lamb during delivery (due to malpresentation).  Thank God it never happened again and the twin ~ a beautiful, HST ewe lamb ~ survived.

                 I made a very difficult decision to say good-bye to a Dear Canine Friend...

 I just could't bear to watch him suffer any longer.

It was actually in Dec. of '06 that I said good-bye to PACO

I'm including it here because I didn't include it in the '06 post and it was SUCH a hard sacrifice for me!  At least he didn't die.

WOW!

I've been looking through my 2008 posts, trying to find something "happy" to end this post with, and I can't find anything!    Now, THAT is sad!

This is the best I could do:



A Little Caffeine with your Kahlua???

I don't know what's up with me staying up so late at night.  I used to always post in the morning but I find myself doing it more at night now.  It seems that I'm always busy until 10 o'clock at night.

Guess who thinks she's pretty special...

"Bluff Country Kahlua"

I LOVE her fleece!

AND her attitude.

"What attitude?" 

I love the crimp...

and the tippy ends...

AND the staple length!

Kahlua's fleece also has the soft, silky feel of her dam's (Zaria). 

Neither of these photos really shows the true color but you get the idea by combining them both.

I don't know what had alerted the girls but I thought this was a pretty picture.  Even if Kahlua does  have her front feet in a hole!

Bella and Sable are so happy that we'll be staying here for the winter.  They have so much room to run in the fenced in areas.

No wonder I'm feeling happier!

My infections seem to have finally cleared up.

I don't have a doctor appointment for a MONTH!

I spent the day with my Princess and three handsome Princes (it was Matt's birthday and we had a blast).  My handsome son-in-law grilled us burgers and bratwurst for lunch.

I'm home with my wonderful dogs.

I still have sheep living here.

And

I have a secret.

I'm working on something.

I'll tell you about it soon.

It's something near and dear to my heart...

"MuuuuhhhWAAA!"

S.W.A.K.



Working on that Happy List!

Just a quick note as I have to run for a doctor appointment.  I wanted to let everyone know that I still plan on expanding my Happy List!  I've got SO many more things to add.  It takes me a while to go through all my photos to find the ones to fit each post...  ;-)

Regarding my dealings with the Electric Company:  I'm kind of embarrassed that I even posted about the situation with my Electric bill ~ sometimes I'm a bit too forthright!  That being said, I want to thank you for the words of encouragement and support.  Please know that God is watching over me and my animals and we WILL be fine.

As much as I'd like to just drop the topic (and intend to do so), I am thinking that I should clarify the 'cold weather protection' that people assume (as I did) that they have regarding their heat/electric in the winter months. At least in Minnesota, it appears that as long as the Utility Co. follows the proper procedures, they CAN disconnect the flow. They have to give you written notice and suggest places that one can possibly get help. There are forms one can fill out to request emergency assistance. Unfortunately, when my depression kicks in ~ I shut down. I don't fill out forms. I don't make phone calls or answer messages or emails. I withdraw. I don't even open my mail. Which, of course, is the worst thing I could possibly do! So, I missed all the warnings and didn't respond to their repeated attempts to contact me. It was my own fault. It becomes a vicious cycle because I get so angry with myself for not just filling out the stupid forms or making a phone call ~ but I truly can't MAKE myself do it.   Of course the company to whom I owe money becomes increasingly demanding in their contact with me (the note delivered by the kind many at the door) which only makes me shut down more and want to 'hide'. 

So ~ if you ever (heaven forbid!) find yourself in a similar situation, don't assume that you are protected.  Don't try to hide.  Face it early on ~ before it gets overwhelming and ask for help if you need to.  Above all else, have faith that things will  get better.  We're not alone.
 And that's enough said about that.

DREAM says...

"Of COURSE you're not alone, silly!

You'll always have ME!"

I am truly blessed!

                                                                                    

When Times Get Tough...

Set Eggs!

I had kind of a hard time this weekend. 

Not sure why but everything just seemed to catch up to me.

So, I set 7 more MFC eggs in my incubator!

I get so much pleasure just watching my chicks and it gives me something to look forward to. 

I almost couldn't  even do this because I couldn't get the 'bator up to 99.5 degrees.  It wouldn't go past 98.7 and that's not warm enough to hatch the eggs!  I was about to give up and just accept that my house is too cold (50 degrees) for my incubator to maintain the correct temperature, when 'Doc' suggested that I put a light next to the bator.  The lightbulb, next to the bator didn't give off enough heat but it  gave me the idea to do this:

I put the incubator IN a box (with the top left open) with a lamp with a 75 watt bulb above the box.

I even taped aluminum foil over the top opening of the lamp shade and raised the flaps on the box to trap as much warm air as possible. 

It worked!  The temp IN the box is 66 degrees and the incubator is holding steady at a perfect 99.5 degrees farenheit!  We'll have chicks in 20 days...

DREAM says...

"Be Still my Heart!!!"

Knock it off, Dreamer...

A VERY Brief Synopsis...

Yesterday was horrible.

Today was Bittersweet...

Tomorrow is gonna be AWESOME...

DREAM says...

"...You better fasten your seatbelt  and hold on tight

if you're gonna ride read this blog!"

Where can I find a seatbelt, Dreamer???

A Shepherd's Tears...

I'm sorry for not writing for so long. 

If you also check my chicken blog, you've got somewhat of an idea of what's been going on.

Last Tuesday, I lost my job.

I thought I handled that pretty well, emotionally.

I was even thinking that it was a blessing in disguise as I really was wasting my talents there.  (I was a customer service rep for a mail-order catalog company)  But, I enjoyed the work and was able to KNIT during slow times so it had some advantages that made me lax about looking for something better.  Now, I will have to.

When I got home, I tucked the chickens in for the night.  First the group that are staying in the garage for the winter.  These are my beautiful, "Calico Cochins" (the ones I used to refer to as "Candy Corn Cochins" ~ we've chosen an official name for them).  Each evening, I lift Opal and Crystal and Scarlet and Red (the rooster) off of the fence and place them on the sawhorse that they are  supposed  to roost on at night.  Candy has been brooding a clutch of eggs for almost three weeks so she stays in the covered cat litter box that I use for nest boxes. 

After putting the Calicos on their roost, I went out and closed the doors to the barn and tucked in all the Mille fleur cochins and my Backyard chickens.  It wasn't until I went back into the garage (which is attatched and has an entry door to my kitchen) that I saw it.

The  covered nest box that Candy and her soon to hatch eggs were in was flipped upside down and broken apart.  There was no sign of Candy or her eggs.

NOW I sobbed!   I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  My first thought was that Sadie (my treeing walker coon hound, that I had left "in charge" of the chickens) had attacked Candy in her nest box.  This was unfathomable because Sadie has shown NO aggressiveness towards the chickens at all!  I had left the gate to the Calico cochin pen open and the garage door to the back yard open because I left Sadie in the yard to watch over the chickens while I was gone.  That way my Calicos could get out and get some sunshine and free range.   I remembered that when  I got home, Sadie was no where around.  She had figured out another way to escape from the back yard. 

I frantically dug through the shavings in the Calico's pen, looking for eggs.  None.  All gone.  As was Candy.  At first, I was hoping and praying that she had somehow escaped and was hiding somewhere in the garage.  I crawled around on my hands and knees, holding a flashlight and pleading and sobbing, for her to be safe.  I searched the back yard and pastures.  No sign.  I searched for perhaps an hour and then went into the house and just cried.

Later that evening, Sadie came home.  She barked at the front door, as she always does, to be let in.  I lost it!  I ran out the door screaming at her.  I chased her down the driveway and when she followed me back up as I turned to go back into the house I chased her again.  Screeming and sobbing, I told to to go away and never come back.  I screamed that I hated her.  Sadie turned and left.

A nagging little voice said "what if it wasn't her?"  but I pushed it away.

The next morning ~ after a sleepless night, I searched again for Candy.  There was no sign.  Then it dawned on me.  No sign!  If Sadie had indeed been the one to attack Candy and her eggs, there would have been a body.  There would have been feathers all over the place.  But there was nothing.   A little bit of rational thought began to creep into my grief dulled mind:  perhaps Sadie got out of the yard BEFORE Candy was attacked and something else (a coon?) took advantage of the unprotected yard and took my beautiful Candy bird.  It still makes me sick to even think about it.

Now, I felt terrible for having screamed at Sadie and driven her away.  She didn't come home for two days!  I could hear her barking up in the woods.  I called her but she wouldn't come.  Finally, Thanksgiving night, she came home.  She was wet and cold and shaking.  I dried her with a towel and covered her with a blanket and laid next to her and petted her and told her how much I love her and how sorry I am for saying that I hated her.  I think she forgives me.

Although, I'm still mad at Sadie for leaving the yard unprotected, I can't really blame her for Candy's loss.  Any more that I can blame myself (and believe me I DID!) for not having brought Candy  and her nest box into the house like I had thought about, earlier on the morning that she was taken.  But I had decided to wait a day or two until I had a day off.  Now I have plenty of time off but no Candy.

I am always amazed by the amount of physical pain that results from a broken heart.

So, for days I spoke with no one.  I couldn't.  Every time I even thought about my beautiful Candy bird I just sobbed.  I didn't want to put anyone else through that.  Even the people that I knew would understand.  And I didn't want to cry anymore.  It HURT!

Little by little, I'm getting better.  On the same day that Candy was taken from me, my very first Mille Fleur Cochin egg hatched.  I've got a beautiful, little, fluffy chick that makes me smile and reminds me that life does go on. 

I believe that she was born on the same day that I lost my job and my very special Candy for a reason.  To reassure me that God had not forgotten me and that he does still love me and that I will be happy again. 

I've named her "HOPE"

I am doing daily updates of Hope's transformation as she goes from a fuzzy chick to a fluffy Mille Fleur Cochin on my Backyard Chickens blog.  If you don't see me here for a while, you can usually find me over there...

In the meantime:   I've started a Yahoo Group for "Calico Cochin" fans.  Candy is the "cover girl" and roll model for what we will be breeding for.  She may be gone, but she will NEVER be forgotten!

P.S.  this morning, I got an email from a member of the Mille Fleur Cochin Yahoo Group, offering to drive to Tennesee and pick up Sable and bring her home to me!

I am so deeply touched by the kindness of others.  Sable would be VERY good for my heart.

DREAM says...

"I don't like it when Mom's so sad that she doesn't even come out and sit with ME!"

I'm sorry Dreamer. 

I'll be out soon...

Fall Fell...

Remember this?

photo taken on Oct 7, 2009

Same shot:  Photo taken on Oct 12, 9009

If you click to biggify the first photo, you can see that the pumpkin patch was a mass of giant, green leaves.  I didn't even know for sure if there were pumpkins IN there!

They were there, all right.  Now, all the leaves are gone.  Vanished while I slept.

               Remember this?   

I took this one this morning:

Do you remember when Kimberwood HUNTER came to live in the Bluff Country?

2007!  He'll be leaving for his new home, in Illinois, later this week...

Baby Dreamer!  2006:

DREAM says...

"Some things just keep getting better!"

"Thank you again, Katie, for Mom's Happy Lamp!  It sure does make a BIG difference at this time of year!!"

I do want to sincerly recommend "light therapy" for anyone affected by SAD or depression.  It's made a HUGE difference for me!

(knock on wood!)

BAD BOY, BAD BOY, What Ya Gonna Do?What Ya Gonna Do When He Comes For You?

Before I go into the gory details of my latest 'Dance" with Hunter ~ I'd like to take a moment to THANK YOU. Thank you to each and every one of you who 'heard me' yesterday. I don't think you can know how much strength your messages (both on here and in private) gave to me. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of empowerment that grew in my psyche with each and every comment that I read. I'm NOT sorry that I posted...

And now, back to our Regular Scheduled Programming:

Hunter has been bad. Yes, again!

You've gotta give the guy credit for trying...

Once again, it wasn't a vicious attack ~ more of a "Hmmmm, she's just standing there, maybe I'll butt her" kind of thing.

This time, I held on to my camera!

Needless to say, bad behavior will NOT be tolerated and the Golden Boy is just going to have to get that through his thick head...

Hunter says...

"JEESE! What a GROUCH!"

Sometimes a Thousand Words are Worth More Than a Picture...

Warning:: This is not a sheep or chicken related or Beautiful Baby Girl or happy Grandchildren related post. It's one of those yucky, personal, feelings related posts. So, if you don't want to get involved in personal, emotional kind of stuff, please skip my blog today. Becky's got a really cool post about how she rescued a little HUMMINGBIRD ~ check that one out! I'll be back soon with happier subjects.

My thoughts on living with chronic, clinical depression.

It's never far away.
I'm fine right now. Life is good. I love my life SO very much.

But.

There is always a shadow hanging over me. I can sense the depression ~ just waiting to pounce. Scary.

I upped my medication. That's twice in the past month. If this feeling persists, I will go back in and see my doctor. It's too early in the season to be dealing with this!!

I've started another blog ~ this one I'm keeping private. It's just for me. I'll log my daily feelings on there and try to track the progress of my emotional state. Yesterday, I likened the feeling that I have to my world being this bright, sunny, cheerful place but depression is just on the other side of the door. I'm fine right now. Depression isn't trying to break down the door. It's not even knocking at the door. But it's there.

I want it to go away.

I don't know if it's better for me to talk about it. Or even to think about it ~ or to try to keep my mind occupied with positive thoughts. I do know that feeling the need to "not think about things" is usually a sign of the depression returning. But I don't want to DWELL on it! I don't want to give it power over my daily life. Yet, the fact is, it's the first thing that I think about when i wake up in the morning. I guess it's already got power.

I guess the very fact that I've upped my medication, started another (private) blog and am writing this today should tell me that it's already got power. Shit

I am not asking for sympathy. Nor pity. In fact, knowing that people will want to offer sympathy makes me not want to share my feelings. People worrying about me feels like a burden ~ not support. Does that sound selfish? I don't mean to be selfish. But it IS the way that it feels.

OK ~ so the fact is, I may be ending my "remission" and entering another period of clinical depression. If I am, I'll deal with it. If I feel the need to share ~ I'll share. If I don't, I won't. I know my family loves me. I know I have many, wonderful friends. I know I'm not alone. I've been through this before. I can do it again...

Wishing you all a "Happy Day"

Love,

Nancy
P.S. Boy! I hope I don't end up wishing I hadn't posted this!

;-)

Two Days...

I had no idea what I wanted to blog about today so I decided to go out and take some pictures. I needed to sit with my sheep anyway as I'd had an awful night at work, last night. In fact, it was my worst day at work ~ ever. In over three years. Nothing big. Just a bunch of little things ~ one right after another ~ that really brought me down. That's OK. It's just a job. And I'm lucky to have a job!

So, I'll sit with the sheep for awhile. They always make me feel better. I'll take lots of pictures. That's usually how I get my inspiration for blogging.

I'm thinking I might do a cat and sheep blog post.

Daisy is visiting the flock this morning.

Bella is always so photogenic.

Maybe I'll post about her.

Then, I notice my "pumpkin patch".
Or, what has been ~ will be ~ my pumpkin patch! It's time to get that tilled and plant my pumpkins! I'm way behind. But it was too cold. Then, too hot! Today's a perfect day to prepare my pumpkin patch! I'll do that. There's a piece of wire fence in there that I usually keep around the Snow Crabapple Tree that I planted in my backyard last year. It's growing so nicely and I don't want to take a chance on the sheep getting at it. I moved the fence when I mowed the back yard this past weekend. I'll put it back around the tree as soon as I come back outside after posting...

So I come in the house and start downloading pictures. I got some nice ones. Bella is bugging me. She can't have to go outside ~ we just came in. I can hear the sheep, chattering outside my window. I'm SO enjoying the cooler weather.

Bella is getting quite persistent. I hear a lamb calling it's mom. Then it occurs to me. The sheep are right outside my office window. That window is NOT by the pasture that they are in. Or at least it's not by the pasture they are supposed to be in...

Sure enough. I rush outside and the sheep are in my back yard. Once again, they've eaten my plants. Goodbye new geraniums that I planted after they ate my beautiful geranium tree that I'd kept over the winter. Bye-bye clematis, which was making a striking comeback. I hope the new daisies and cone flowers & hostas that I planted this weekend come back. But, my TREE! Worst of all, they got at my tree. They stripped a good portion of bark from the trunk. Pealed the truck protector right off.

It's my fault. I obviously didn't fasten the gate.

I'm going to take a nap now...

DREAM says:

"Damn sheep!"