Sunday, January 23, 2011

A letter to my daughter...

I had no idea what I was going to post today.  Or even if I WOULD post.  But then, I started writing an email to my Beautiful Baby Girl.  Katie (my BBG) is in Florida this weekend, with her handsome fiance.  I'm happy when I know that she is happy. 

Anyway,  I started writing to Katie about the song  that I chose for us to share, before she was even born.  I have a special song with each of my kids.  Each has a story behind it.  If you're interested, I've copied part of the email to Katie (I decided to send it to all three of my kids since  I have a special song ~ and special memories with each of them.  Here's what I wrote:

This started out as an email to Katie. As I kept writing, I decided that each of you should have a copy of it. As I'm writing, I am smiling and I am crying. It brings back SO many memories. Good and bad. Most of all, it reminds me of how very blessed I am to have three, incredible, wonderful children who make me so very proud and fill my life with JOY...

Have I ever told you what "our" song is?  I'm sure that I have, but perhaps you've forgotten. (click on the colored links to see and hear the video!)

When each of my babies were born, while I was still in the hospital, I chose a song that I sang over & over again to my precious newborn baby. My song with Pam Is: "Sunshine on My Shoulders" by John Denver. Pam was born in June and I had the bed by the window, during our hospital stay. Back then, new moms stayed for days! I'd stand by the window, holding my precious baby girl in my arms, watching the sun come up and sing "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy".

And the tears would flow. I think the day that Pam was born was the happiest day in my life.  In the absolute euphoria that followed her birth, I remember thinking that this feeling ~ this "high", had to be the feeling that people who used drugs were trying to get!   The phrase, from the song,: "if I had a day that I could give you, I'd give to you a day just like today. If I had a song that I could sing for you, I'd sing a song that makes you feel this way."  summed up exactly what I wished for my precious little Princess.

When Ben was born I was so afraid. There were 'complications' with his delivery and I was afraid that I was going to lose him. That he would die.  Shortly before Ben was born, I saw a movie on television ~ I can't remember the name ~   and there was a song (again by John Denver) called "My Sweet Lady". It was beautiful. Sad. Hopeful. Beautiful. The lyrics lodged in my mind and deep in my heart. When I stood in the hospital newborn intensive care unit and stared at my son, hooked up to wires and monitors, so helpless and seemingly alone. All I had to do was change one word ~ "Lady" became "Baby" and the song became real:  
"Baby, are you crying? Do the tears belong to me? Do you think our time together is all gone? Baby, my sweet baby, I'm as close as I can be. And I swear to you our time has just begun...."

I sat in that intensive care unit, holding Ben and singing those words, until they'd MAKE me leave .  And the tears flowed. It still gives me goose bumps, thirty-some years later and brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful that God chose to let Ben stay with us. What a gift he has been!

I never imagined that I would be thirty years old and pregnant!  Back in 'those days',  thirty was considered pretty old to be having a baby.  Pam and Ben were both finally in school full-time and I was free for the first time in years!  Yet, I knew ~ long before any doctor confirmed it ~ that you were going to be a part of my life. I knew that I was pregnant within days of conceiving you! And I was thrilled!  I was SO excited and happy to be having another baby. I wanted another little girl so badly that I would have felt terribly guilty if you had been a boy!  I was sure that people thought I was crazy for wanting to be pregnant again. I didn't care. There was nothing that I wanted more than to bring my baby into this world so that I could hold her and love her. "Our" song was a natural. When I heard Elvis Presley sing "Can't Help Falling in Love Again", there was no doubt in my mind. We had our song. I sang it throughout my pregnancy and our brief stay in the hospital. I sang it to you when sitting up with you in the middle of the night, when you had your days and nights mixed up and I sang it when you were a rebellious teenager. I still sing it when I think of you...
"Wise men say, only fools rush in
but I can't help falling in love with you.
Shall I stay?  Would it be a sin?
If I can't help falling in love with you.

Like a river flows, surely to the sea,
darling so it goes,
somethings are meant to be.

Take my hand.  Take my whole life too.
For I can't help falling in love with you..."

It may seem like a song that is talking about adults and certainly seems like a perfect wedding song, but it was also perfect for us. It may have seemed silly (fool-ish?) that I wanted to have another child ~ with Ben needing so much extra care. But I couldn't help how much I loved you. Even before you were born. I think my very favorite verse  is "take my hand, take my whole life too..." I would picture your tiny, little baby hand, wrapping it's little fingers around one of mine and holding on ~ as if for dear life. I would have laid down my life in an instant  for you.

And I still would.
I love you very much,



  1. What a beautiful post Nancy, brought tears to my eyes. Your children are so fortunate to have you for their mother.

  2. Yes, I agree with Crazy Lady with purple fingers! Lovely post and sentiments. My post today is about my new grandson and I know that my son sang to him a lot while he was still in the womb. He continues to sing to him now. I hope you have many more happy years with your children, Nancy.
    ps I like the little bell!

  3. Well, you certainly know how to help your BBG's blues when I have to say goodbye to my Carter for a while. I walked into a cold empty apartment tonight, ready to be lonely and sad until sleep would offer some reprieve... then I checked my emails. You made me cry happy tears. Thank you, and thank you for being my Mama... and I may even let you have a few nice hugs for that ;)

  4. My eyes are leaking, too. Happy tears, remembering tears, empathetic tears.
    Thank you.

  5. Anonymous12:42 PM

    Just so you know... I've always (even when I was a bratty teenager) felt so blessed to know and feel the love you have for all of us. I hope you know how very much I love you too. Thank you... for loving all of us so completely. HUGS! Meem

  6. So nice, Nancy. We never leave the emotions of motherhood behind!

  7. sweet, but Mama never gave me a song.

  8. To Anonymous... aka my big sister... when on earth were you a bratty teenager!?! you were a parent's dream! (from what I understood of adult conversations I spied on ;) )



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